This Is How It Has To Be
by assbutt-the-second
Summary: Reader insert imagine. Castiel is in love with the reader, but she fears he may end up getting hurt so lies and tells him she doesn't feel the same way about him. NO SMUT. Contains alcohol consumption and injury detail.


You shake your head as you watch the brothers scuffling over by the iPod docking station. Dean, although rather stocky, has nothing on his younger brother's physical strength, and with one swift shoulder barge from Sam, Dean is sent flying into the wall beside them.

Sam leans in to select a song then turns around, his mouth pulled up into a smug smirk. You don't actually mind which band won out, but Dean has been acting cocky all night, so you appreciate that Sam has finally put him in his place. You catch Sam's eye and grin, and he winks at you in return.

Dean straightens himself up, brushing down his clothes. "FINE. But I get to choose next."

You laugh out loud at his childishness. He glares at you, but he can't be annoyed for long before his expression lightens. He nudges you playfully with his elbow as he passes.

You glance across the room, searching for Castiel. You catch his eye, and he looks quickly away, as though trying to pretend that he hadn't just been staring at you. Your heart sinks slightly. Of course you caught him. You ALWAYS catch him.

Despite the lengths that Cas will go through to throw you off his trail, there's no way you could have not noticed the way he feels about you. The way you always catch him staring, the way he seems even more awkward around you, the way his cheeks blush…

And you'd be lying if you said you didn't feel the same way about him in return. You feel like a teenager with their very first crush every time you're around him. Every time you lay your eyes on him, your heart skips a beat, and just being near him is enough to throw you into a giddy spell. And try as you might to feel otherwise, you can't help but notice your feelings for him increasing in strength with every passing day.

The chair beside you scrapes against the floor as it is pulled out from under the table. You are shaken from your reverie, and look up to see Cas smiling down at you. God, you loved that smile. As his lips stretched upwards, his eyes lit up and his face became almost childlike. For a ruthless warrior of the Lord, this guy could sure be oddly adorable.

"Drink?" He asked, holding out a glass as he seated himself beside you.

Your eye-line drops towards the floor as you reach for it, unable to look him in the eye. Your fingers brush gently against his as your hand closes around the glass, and your entire body jolts at the contact.

—-

Six months ago, some small town somewhere in the middle of Indiana. A plan had gone wrong in the middle of a hunt, resulting in a demon holding you by the neck, a knife pressed tightly against your throat.

Cas had burst out of the door into the back alley, and upon seeing you held captive had been so scared he had frozen in place. His body stopped dead, the door slamming shut behind him, and all of the colour had drained from his face. You could see the terror in his eyes at the though of you being hurt, rendering him unable to move. Your own eyes pleaded with him to react, too scared to be able to cry out.

Luckily, Dean had managed to outsmart the demon, and coming up behind the two of you, had wrestled the 'bitch' (as he had called her) away from you and stabbed her in the side with Ruby's knife.

Dean had been furious at Cas, screaming at him, wanting to know why he'd just stood there watching you almost get your throat slit. You'd managed to calm down Dean enough to get him to lay off Cas for now, but when he span around and stormed off away from you both, you could still sense his anger.

You'd fallen to the floor when Dean had yanked the demon away from you, but you'd escaped with nothing more than a bruised wrist and a slight nick on your throat from the knife. The two of you left alone, Cas flung himself toward you, his hand reaching out to heal you. You had gripped his arm with your good hand, pulling him away from you. You weren't weak. You could survive these small injuries.

The poor guy hadn't let you out of his sight until all the physical reminders of that hunt had disappeared from your skin, but even then he was reluctant to leave you alone. You'd tried to talk him down, tried to show him that the marks were only superficial, but you could tell he still felt responsible.

—-

You slam the bottle on the table, spilling some of it's contents onto your hand. You stand bolt upright.

Cas frowns up at you. "_, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." You try to smile at him, but you know it isn't really convincing. "I just… I need the bathroom." You make your way out into the corridor, ignoring the curious stares of the three men.

Reaching the bathroom, you lock the door behind you. You lay in the empty bathtub and stretch out, covering your face with your hands.

_That_. That was why you couldn't give in to your feelings toward Castiel.

You remember the horror in his expression when he'd seen you in danger like that. The concern in his face for weeks afterwards. If he could react so badly to a scratch, how would he react to something worse? What if a hunt escalated so badly you ended up dead…or worse? What then?

You couldn't stand to do that to him. You couldn't be with him, because you couldn't bear to hurt him if anything happened to you.

You promise yourself that you will never admit your feelings about Cas to him, to_anyone_, no matter what.

You give yourself a minute to compose yourself, then rejoin the boys in the kitchen.

Entering the room, you head straight for Cas, taking your seat next to him. You grin as you reach him, and know it's more convincing than the last one because he smiles back and visibly relaxes. You pick your drink up from the table and take a sip. The alcohol leaves a slight burn as it slides down your throat, and the sensation is oddly soothing to you.

—-

A couple of hours later, you find your head a little blurry from the alcohol. Dean finally has his way with the music, and Led Zeppelin's Dazed and Confused starts up, echoing around the kitchen. Knowing this is your favourite song, Dean turns towards you, cocking his head to one side and pointing at you.

He makes his way towards you, swaying his hips as he goes, and when he reaches you he pulls your hands to get you to stand up with him. Sober, you would never have given in, but you were just drunk enough to let him convince you to dance with him with very little persuasion.

The two of you move awkwardly together, neither of you particularly good dancers at the best of times, but neither of you really care at the moment. Sam apparently does, though, and after a minute you hear him groan.

"No. No, we're done here, no more music."

"Don't turn it off! Do NOT turn it off!" Snaps Dean and he leaves you to wrestle Sam away from the music player again.

You laugh, and turn to see Cas watching you again. This time he doesn't even try to hide it. The look in his eyes is intense, and disregarding your earlier promise to keep well away from him, you feel a sudden urge to be near him. You step closer, threading your fingers through his and gently pulling him up to you.

If anything, your new dancing partner is even more uncoordinated than Dean, but that doesn't matter in the least to you. Your bodies sway in time to the music, albeit not very smoothly, and before you know it the gap between you has closed.

Cas' hands are on your waist, pulling you into him, pressing your bodies together. Your hands trail slowly up his arms and across his chest. Your eyes bore into his, then trail down his face, drinking in every inch of it. You roll your hips against his and he gasps as your eyes rake over the faint stubble on his face. Your gaze fixes on his lips and you lick your own subconsciously as your breathe hitches.

You don't even care that Sam and Dean are right in the room with you. You love Cas too much to let him go.

Love?

Did you really just think that? No. No, not good.

—-

Barely a month ago, Missouri. You'd grown a little over confident in your own abilities and had all but thrown yourself at a Rugaru as you attempted to set it ablaze. You weren't as skillful as you'd imagined, and before you managed take him down he'd launched himself at you, biting your arm and taking a chunk out of your flesh, knocking the flames out of your hand in the process.

The flames fell to your jeans, setting them alight in seconds. Dean rushed the monster, managing to take him out while Sam worked to put out the flames which were quickly spreading across your clothes.

This time, you would have had no problem with Cas fixing you up, but he was nowhere around. As Dean raced the Impala back to the motel you'd been staying at, knowing full well there'd be no way to explain this at the hospital, Sam worked on you in the back seat,calling Cas' name while trying to ease your clothing off of your burned body and stem the flow of blood from your arm. It wasn't much use; the clothes had become scorched to much of your skin, and the bite was so deep it was almost to the bone.

Eventually arriving back at the motel, the brothers laid you in the bathtub, filling it with cool water in hopes of soothing your burning skin, all the while begging for Cas to appear. Despite all of their efforts, it did little to help. The burns and the wound in your arm together were searing, and agonising enough to bring up bile to the back of your throat. This was the worst pain you had ever felt, and you had to use what little energy you had left to keep from blacking out. Castiel was still nowhere to be seen.

Sam and Dean were frantic, unable to help you but not knowing how to. You were too weak to move, to speak really. On your last breath before slipping into unconsciousness, you had breathed out Cas' name.

You had woken a little while later, feeling drained and achy, but otherwise healthy. You pushed yourself up into a sitting position and studied yourself. Someone had changed your clothing and cleaned your body. Your skin was no longer burnt, and the flesh of your arm was intact.

A light touch on your shoulder caused you to start, and only then did you notice Cas sitting on the side of your bed. You didn't know if angels could cry, but if any ever would, it would be Cas in this moment. His eyes shone and he swallowed thickly. Unable to look at the torment in his eyes, you leaned into him and drew your arms around him. You felt him fold his own arms around you, so tight it almost prevented your breathing, but you didn't mind. Neither of you let go for a long time.

Since then, Castiel had never even let you leave the bunker alone, much less go on a hunt without him. You doubted he would any time soon.

—-

The music cuts off abruptly. Looking over your shoulder you see Sam grinning as he has Dean in a headlock. Their scuffle has knocked the music player to the floor. You take the opportunity to separate yourself from Cas.

Pulling a face, he crosses the room and places himself between the brothers to stop them from fighting.

"Dean… Sam… This is no way to behave in front of a lady." Sam and Dean look at each other for a moment, eyebrows raised, then erupt into laughter. Their laughter should be offensive, but they're probably right. It isn't often you get called a _lady_. Hunters don't get much chance to be 'ladylike'. You can't help smiling yourself, but you need to get out of here.

"Well, this lady needs her beauty sleep." You say, and after briefly hugging the others goodnight, you headed towards your own room.

Closing your bedroom door behind you, you drop onto your bed and stare at the ceiling. _God_, you're going to have to be more careful. You'd almost gone too far back there dancing with Cas.

But love? Is that really how you feel?

Yes. You realise that now, there's no denying the fact. All of your attempts to stay away from Cas have been in vain. You feel as though you've failed yourself.

It's a little while after you thought everyone else had gone to bed when you hear a knock on your door. Your heart drops, knowing who it is before you even open it.

And you're right. You pull it open to find Castiel on the other side, wearing that adorable puppy dog expression of his.

"Can I come in a minute?" You don't have the heart to tell him no.

He side steps around you into the room, and you close the door after him. You turn to see he has seated himself on the edge of your bed and is clearly waiting for you to join him. Not trusting yourself to be so close to him (on a bed, of all places!) you cross your arms and stand your ground.

Seeing that you're set in your place, Cas begins to speak.

"_, are you okay?" He asks, concern in his eyes. You nod, but he continues on. "It's just…. you looked a little odd earlier. And you seemed to leave so suddenly after we were dancing…."

"I'm just tired." You flash him another one of those unconvincing smiles. He stares silently at you for a moment. "Look Cas, it's getting late, so if that's all-"

"No, that's not all." He says, suddenly standing up. God, what you wouldn't give to just go to him now.

He opens his mouth as though he's about to say something, but then shuts it abruptly. He rubs a hand across the back of his neck, colour rising in his face. You can see where this is going and your gaze sinks to the floor, unable to watch it happen. Part of you WANTS him to say it, wants to hear what you do to him, wants your feelings reciprocated. But you know there could be nothing worse than that. It's for his own good that this goes no further.

"Cas, plea-" But he cuts you off.

"_, recently I've been having these… _feelings_. For you. And I've tried to hold them in because I didn't know if you felt the same, but I can't keep it in anymore. I realised I don't care how you react I just needed to tell you. I need you to know."

Your face is still turned towards the floor. Your eyes burn and you feel as though there's an elastic band tightening around your chest.

"But I've been starting to think you do feel the same."

_No, Cas_. _Just stop there. I can't do this, not to you. It'll only end in hurt and I won't do that to you_.

He steps a little closer. "Do you?" His voice is low, but you can hear the hopeful edge to it.

He's an angel. He's almost invulnerable compared to your fragile human form. There's so many things that could happen to you. Eventually something will, and he'll be here without you.

"_, look at me." His voice is barely audible now. There's something in it that makes you want to do as he says. You can't give him what he wants so you should at least look at him. You raise your head and meet his eye.

"Do you?" His lips form the words but no sound escapes them.

You don't say a word, don't move an inch. But he must see the yearning in your eyes.

Before you can react, he closes the gap between you. He grabs your face roughly in his hands and brings your face to his. He brings his mouth almost aggressively to yours, and as his lips begin to move against yours, the last of your resolve slips away.

Before you can stop yourself, you're pushing back, capturing his lips between yours. His tongue slides into your mouth and teases gently against your own. You gasp, and you can feel him grinning as your hands reach up and you grip your fingers tightly in his hair. He nibbles gently at your bottom lip and you moan out, rolling your hips into his.

He has one hand gripping your face, and the other trails slowly down your body until it reaches your hip. He wraps his fingers around it, pulling you close to him and grinding his hips against you.

You groan again, louder this time. He's a good few inches taller than you, so you stand on your tiptoes, stretching up as much as possible to get as close to him as you can. He takes the hint and wraps a surprisingly strong arm around your waist and lifts you off your feet. You wrap your legs around his waist, one arm snaking around his neck so you can hold on to him.

There's a niggling at the back of your head… _Remember your promise_! You know this is wrong but you can't find the strength in yourself to stop. No matter how tightly you wrap yourself around him, no matter how tightly he holds you to him, you're never close enough. Your mouth is feverish on his, your breath coming in short gasps. A deep almost _growl_ escapes Cas, and you're sure something inside you is about to break.

Castiel pulls his mouth away from yours. You miss the contact, but it doesn't seem like he's done yet.

"I love you, _."

And there it is.

You freeze.

That one little word can cause so much damage. You loving him, you could handle. But you hadn't realised it was actual love that he felt for you. Obviously you knew he had feelings for you but you hadn't realised they stretched this far.

All you can see is his face after you woke up from the Rugaru attack. The agony in his eyes. _That's what he'll always look like after you're gone_. It's as if you can feel your heart literally breaking in your chest.

He presses his lips back to yours, but after a moment he realises something has changed. He feels your body go limp in his arms. He leans his head back slightly, studying your face.

"I'm sorry." You whisper.

He frowns, but gently releases his hold on you so you can stand. You take a step away from him and turn your back on him. You press your finger tips into your eyes.

"I don't understand." You can hear it in his voice that he doesn't. "You kissed me back."

"I know, Cas. I know. But kisses don't always mean love, Castiel." You can't believe it's come to this. Can't believe that you actually have to say this out loud.

"You… you don't love me?" You can hear his voice breaking. You fight back a violent sob before you spin back round to face him.

You keep your gaze as cold as you possibly can as you say it.

"No, Cas. I don't love you."

He gasps, and you see him recoil as though he's just been slapped in the face. His eyes fall toward the floor and his lip quivers ever so slightly. He turns his face away from you.

You can't bear to see him like this. You reach out your hand to place it on his arm, but he steps away from you. Now it's like _you've_ been slapped in the face.

His head jerks back up to you and he gives you that not-quite-reaching-the-eyes smile that you're so familiar with yourself. He's trying so hard to be brave but you can see him falling apart inside.

"It's okay, _. Really. I thought you felt the same way, but apparently I was mistaken." He's trying so hard not to break in front of you that he has taken on an oddly polite demeanour. His voice is overly formal and you feel the tears threatening to spill over in your eyes. You want to comfort him, tell him you're lying, but you know you can't.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for putting you in this situation, _." Oh god. No. You're breaking his heart, and he blames _himself_? He's taking the blame so you don't have to. Even now he's still trying his hardest to protect you.

No. This is too much. You want to reach out to him again but you know he won't let you.

"I'm sorry." He whispers again. You can't move. Can't even speak, but even if you could find your voice, you couldn't find the words to say. It's too late anyway. He's already gone.

You wait until you hear his footsteps fade before you let yourself cry. You sink to the floor and bring your knees up to your chest, covering your face with your hands and leaning into your knees. Each sob that bursts out of you racks your body until you have no more tears left to cry, your muscles aching from the shaking.

_Was that really better_? You think. _Was that really easier_?

You have to convince yourself that yes, that was better than telling him the truth. It's not easy. If you could, you'd relive the Rugaru attack rather than break Cas' heart again.

But it's for the best. Cas can get over rejection. It might take a while, but in time the hurt will die down, he'll stop having feelings for you, and maybe even find someone else. That last thought hits you like a punch in the stomach, but it's better than the alternative.

He'd never get over it if something happened to you while he felt so strongly for you. Given time his feelings will fade, making anything that happens to you less painful for him. If you let this go on any further, he'd never recover from whatever damage that may be caused to you. You have to let him go. This is the only way to protect him.

This is how it has to be.


End file.
